Mustached Miscreants

This post has earned an N rating by the Destructors of this blog.

As I'm sure you've well noticed, Jilliard has been the only actively posting Destructor. "Why is this?" you may ask. While I cannot make an acceptable excuse for Wendykins and Emybemy, I can attempt to make one for myself. But I'll get to that later.

Now. The N-rated prank. First, I think I shall disclose that this particular trick has indeed been played on a nearby apartment and has indeed been proven as not serious. It is definitely something that you can laugh over - the pranker and the prankee(s) - at a later date. If you are a male and don't mind keeping the evidence, this may take a little longer. And I can assure you that your facial hair won't look nearly as spectacular as mine did.

Items you will need:
black or brown eyeliner (this can be borrowed from older sisters, cousins, mothers or can be purchased in the cosmetic section of your local Walmart)
a camera
any wanted/needed props
a way in

What your way in might be varies. My particular "way in" was the fact that the door was left open by the inhabitants. Any wanted/needed props is just that - if you are interested in making somewhat of a mess (emptied contents of a shredder) or in decorating for a party (banners, balloons, cake, candles [be careful with those], lights, music, etc.) then you will need to provide it yourself. But I do not think this would be counted as a prank if you actually did something nice to the prankee(s).

So. What to do? Simple. Disguise yourself! (What do you think the eyeliner is for?) Gather your props, if using. Make sure someone has a camera - it works much better than a video recorder because that can be traced by voice - for documentation. And then ... get in.

While inside, you may want to take pictures of yourself raiding their refrigerator, sitting on their sofa, watching their movies, reading their books, Google-ing on their laptops, and so forth. If you brought props use them! Decorate their floors and beds and dresser drawers with the contents of the shredder. Paint pictures and tape them to the walls. Hide a selection of utensils and/or cooking items in the bathroom, living room, bedroom closets, refrigerator and freezer. Get creative. (Remember, this is only an N.)

As always, have fun with it. That means smiling. (:

Good luck to you miscreants!

Tyler Wil

P.S. I nearly forgot to post my attempted excuse. It is a rather extravagant story, but I will sum it up shortly. I was away for a time, practicing pranks of all levels, most of which were failures. This one however was an utter success. For proof, click here.

Well, I didn't *know* you'd be arrested...

This post has earned an X rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Greetings, fellow miscreants.

Everyone knows someone who thinks they're better than everyone else. I could go on and on about how these people drive everyone absolutely insane, but I'll just sum up:

THESE. PEOPLE. SUCK.

Since these morons are obsessed with upholding their image so they can retain the illusion that they are better than everyone else, why not thoroughly decimate their reputation? Make their "holier than thou" delusions crash and burn.

Burn is the key word, there.

Behold, the marijuana leaf. * Yes, my friends. Having this will get you arrested in a hurry. But the point isn't to get YOU arrested, is it? No. It's to get a certain stuck-up person you hate in a lot of trouble (like, I dunno...having police show up and haul them to jail?) and destroying their egotistical, idiotic view of themselves.

If this despised person has a garden, maybe you should just slip some "happy plants" in there one day, and then call the police and give an anonymous tip, complaining about an interesting smell coming from such and such a house...

Or you could just be all sneaky, and strategically place things around their home. You could just drop by to sing the praises of this "awesome" person, and while they're being all flattered, put things all around that will destroy them! Muahaha. Call the police from a pay phone and give an anonymous tip, and there you have it.

Seriously. Few things can destroy a person's reputation more than being arrested and publicly humiliated. It'd be awesome.

Now, I do have to say that this could backfire and get you in some really BIG trouble. So make sure you really hate this person before you do this to them.

Now go my prankster prodigies. Good luck, and don't get arrested!!!

-Jilliard

*HUGE DISCLAIMER: I do not in ANY way endorse growing, smoking, distributing, or really having anything at all to do with this (or any) illegal substance. I'm simply presenting an idea about something awful to do to someone you despise. That is all.

The photo from this post is from howthingswork.com

The Black Market for Valentine's Day

This post has earned a P rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Hello, fellow pranksters.

If you're like me, you don't particularly appreciate Valentine's Day. Looking at this "holiday" in a realistic light, it is a way to do one of four things:

1. Create and crush unrealistic hopes and expectations
2. Cause crippling guilt in a romantic relationship when #1 occurs
3. Make a never-ending volcano of vomit erupt from all the practical people
4. Annually mock, scorn, horrify, and otherwise brutally maim all the single people

If you don't agree with that line of reasoning, I understand. Let me add a fifth possibility so you can feel comfortable agreeing with *something*:

5. Make mostly-reasonable people lie to themselves

For the most part, I think we can all agree that Valentine's Day isn't a very awesome holiday for, well, anyone. So how can we make it more enjoyable for the honest bystanders who are afraid to even get out of bed on this mortifying day of "love?"

Answer: create a black market for the entertainment of the people who have their heads on straight.

What is a Valentine's Day Black Market, you ask? It can be anything you want it to be. I have a few suggestions.

One of the *worst* Valentine's Day gifts anyone can send is something that will sing or do some other embarrassing thing in a very public place, like work or school. Why not hire a band, or a local musical group, or maybe an improv troupe, to go to that special, once-loved-but-now-hated someone who deserves to be (a) broken-up with, and (b) publicly humiliated? That's right...break up with them through song. Publicly.

Or, if you have two people you hate who happen to be a couple...send a break-up band to one of them, and have them say it's from the other one. That'll create some problems that you'll love watching. In fact, a lot of people would probably enjoy watching that. I recommend recording their heartbreak and putting it on YouTube. It would cause more humiliation.

This sort of thing can be done on a lesser scale, of course. The "public" doesn't have to be involved (though to achieve the P rating listed above, I really recommend having an audience). If your best friend has spilled all the secrets of a relationship to you, and you're tired of being caught in the middle of all the problems...send a letter to your friend's romantic partner, detailing all of the trouble that you've had to listen to for so long. Sign it with a, "Remember, despite all evidence to the contrary, it's NOT you, it's me. ~ Your Ex" and put it in the mail. You could even hand-deliver it and just lie: "[she] wanted me to give you this. I hope it's something cool for Valentine's Day!" and then hide while [he] reads it. Have the camera ready for when [he] starts to cry.

There's so much potential for a black market on this sick, gooey holiday. You can try personalized fortune cookies that say, "your heart is about to be broken for Valentine's Day"...you can "propose" to your girl (who you just want to be done with) in a public place, but when you open the box, have the ring not there, claim it's a sign and then just walk away...you could put fliers all over an enemy's office, where all of their coworkers could see, and they could say, "[Name], will you break up with me? I can't take it anymore" and sign it with the name of their significant other...

The possibilities are endless. I must provide a disclaimer, though. As much as all the VD haters would LOVE these things, the people you are pranking might slap you in the face if they find out you did this. Just thought you should know that you might have a hand print permanently indented into your face.

Best of luck as you entertain the world and destroy your enemies!

~Jilliard

The graphic used in this post is from free-graphics.com

You Smell Delicious

This post has earned an N rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Hello again, people of Earth.

The following prank isn't too bad, but you might get a kick out of it regardless.

I don't know about you, but I have several vegetarian friends. While I certainly respect their opinions and decisions about not eating meat, I can't help that there are some ideas that sneak into my brain that would make them cringe.

This is one of the less cruel ideas from the many, many awful things that enter my head.

Thinkgeek.com is one of my favorite websites. I suppose I should say that we don't endorse thinkgeek.com or their products, but...I really do endorse them. It's all just so awesome.

Anywho.

Thinkgeek sells many products of brilliance. One of them: bacon soap.

That's right, my fellow pranksters. Bacon soap.

Now, let's say you have a vegetarian friend (or just someone who doesn't like bacon). Let's say they have pink soap. It's possible...there's a lot of pink soap out there in the world. You could even give them regular, floral-smelling pink soap before this, so they trust you.

Now, replace their pink soap with the Bacon Soap. Make sure they wouldn't be able to see the "bacon soap" printed in the bar....get that off first.

Obviously, it's probable that they'll realize that they smell like bacon before they get out of the shower. They'll be able to rinse the smell away. In that case, though, the damage has already been done. They've smelled the deliciousness of bacon, and they're now questioning their opinions about meat.

If they're in a hurry and somehow DON'T notice that they smell like bacon, just imagine them going up to their other vegetarian friends, realizing much too late that they smell like meat.

I think it would be funny.

Good luck!

-Jilliard

The Alarm Clock from Hell

This post has earned an I rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Hello again, everyone.

I think that, when it comes to various types of enemies, we all have someone who keeps us awake when we really, sincerely, truly want to be lying comfortably on our beds, dreaming of beautiful wonders that are basically never found in reality. Like a well-built, attractive man that isn't a pompous jerk, or who is at least attainable for someone like...um...whoever is dreaming at the time.

Sorry. Digressing here.

The point is, people wake us up when we do not want to be conscious. And after a while, we're sick of it. Let's see how they feel about it, shall we?

First things first. I did not come up with this idea by myself. This happened to one of my friends. I don't know how the original pranksters came up with this idea, but kudos to them. And, if it came from a book or something, I'm not trying to steal anything. There. There's my disclaimer.

Now, on to the good stuff!

What happend to my friend was a tad cruel, but rather brilliant. Let me tell you what happened to him...

It was late. Silence and darkness commanded the night. The occasional snore in the apartment was quickly stifled by the weight of oppressing black. Not even the tick, tock from the large ornamental clock on the wall was audible past the deadly quiet.

But unbeknownst to the sleeping occupants of the spacious apartment (and certainly the darkness did not detect it), an alarm clock sat silently, for now, in a vent. The alarm clock was not to blame for what was about to occur. It was simply biding its time (and it knew time better than most), as it had been programmed to. The mischievous young adult that had placed it there had a purpose, and the purpose made sense to the clock. These people, in this dark apartment, had been cruel to the mischievous person. And so, the young woman was using the alarm clock to be cruel back.

The clock was not offended. It knew its place and purpose in life. It was the alarm clock's job (and it took the occupation seriously) to interrupt the love affairs of the bedroom. Not all of those affairs were between people. Most of the time, the clock simply made people leave their beds. The clock had seen enough to know that human beings loved sleep more than anything else, except perhaps money. Then again, they used money to buy better, more comfortable beds. But none of that mattered to the clock, not really. And besides, it didn't have time to think it over.

Thirty more seconds, and the clock could start to ring. It waited, closed up in the vent where the inhabitants of the apartment would not find it for a very long time. Who thinks to look in a vent?

3...2...The alarm clock braced itself...1...and went off. It rang the loudest it ever had. The darkness and the silence that had been reigning in the apartment were both so shocked, they didn't have time to even try to fight the sudden exclamation of annoyed people who had, only seconds before, been asleep. Lights turned on, and noises increased as the seriously annoyed humans became more and more frustrated.

The clock didn't stop ringing. It had to finish its purpose. It was determined to stay ringing until someone hit snooze, or, depending on how frustrated they were, just broke the clock in half.

It didn't matter much to the alarm clock.

It rang as the people overturned pillows and cushions.

It persisted as the humans looked through the fridge.

It shrieked while the people tore through cupboards and pantries.

It called incessantly for over an hour, and finally, someone found it.

So much sleep had been lost by the humans, and tempers were so high, that the alarm felt it had succeeded in the mission entrusted to it by the prankster.

So obviously, the point is to hide an alarm clock in a very sneaky location within the vicinity of wherever your enemy will be sleeping. A vent is rather brilliant. Who thinks to check there? No one, I bet. But, a vent is not necessary. We don't all have time to unscrew vents, set and place an alarm clock inside, and re-attach the vent before someone notices.

I recommend setting the alarm for, say, three o'clock in the morning or so? Sometime that everyone will be asleep.

I hope that this idea will serve you well in your endeavors to irritate people!

-Jilliard

The photo used in this post was found at zedomax.com.

Butt Burner Laxative Brownies

This post has earned an X Rating by the Destructors of this blog.

It is time to reveal our first idea. This is the idea that started the Recipes for Disastrous Occasions blog. Not all of our ideas will actually be recipes. I expect that most of our posts will not be food.

You've all heard of laxative brownies. But have you also heard of Bayou Butt Burner Hot Sauce?

Yep. I bet you know EXACTLY what we're thinking here.

Awesomely, there are people who like spicy brownies. I am not one of them. So, hopefully I won't get pranked with this.

Here is a recipe for some Hot Brownies. Now, I have to make a disclaimer here: I am not a good cook unless I follow a recipe. The idea for Butt Burner Laxative Brownies is what is new here. In other words, this recipe is not mine. I found the recipe at seriouseats.com. The only things I'm changing here are to add laxatives, and use the Butt Burner hot sauce for the spice, instead of Tabasco or Texas Pete. Even if Butt Burner isn't the hottest thing out there, you just have to admit that it's a hilarious idea to combine Butt Burner hot sauce and laxatives in something delicious, and then give it to some unsuspecting jerk who deserves the hours about to be spent on the "porcelain god."

For the brownies:

• 7 tablespoons butter, plus extra for greasing the pan
• 3 tablespoons Dutch-processed cocoa powder, plus more for dusting
• 1/4 cup milk
• 1 tablespoon vinegar-based hot sauce, such as Tabasco or Texas Pete
• 6 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate
• 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate
• 3/4 cup flour
• Pinch of salt
• 1/4 cup walnuts, chopped
• 1/4 cup bittersweet or semisweet chocolate chips
• 3 eggs
• 1-1/4 cups sugar

For the fudge sauce:

• 4-1/2 ounces chocolate, chopped
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 tablespoon hot sauce
• 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream
• 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter
• Pinch of salt
• Vanilla ice cream, to serve

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350. Butter a 9-inch square baking dish, and dust with cocoa powder. In a measuring cup, combine milk and hot sauce, and stir well. Set aside to sour. In a double boiler, melt butter and both chocolates; remove from heat. In large bowl, sift together flour, cocoa powder and salt. Combine flour mixture with walnuts and chocolate chips.

Using a mixer, beat together eggs and sugar until pale and fluffy, about 2 to 3 minutes. Pour reserved melted chocolate into the egg mixture, and mix until well incorporated. Slowly stream in the soured milk mixture. Gently stir in the flour mixture until just combined. Pour batter into the pan, and bake until a skewer inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 30 minutes.

Place chopped chocolate in a heatproof bowl. In a medium pot over medium-high heat, combine sugar, honey and hot sauce, and bring to a boil. Cook until mixture turns a dark amber color, about 1 to 2 minutes. Carefully whisk in cream. Then whisk in butter and salt until smooth. Remove from heat, and pour mixture over chocolate. Allow to sit 1 minute to melt; stir until smooth. Keep warm, or reheat gently over low heat. Drizzle sauce over brownie and ice cream to serve.

"Do"s and "Don't"s for this idea:

1. DO this to someone who has tried to make you consume awful stuff before.
2. DON'T give these to new neighbors as "welcome" gifts. Chances are, they haven't done anything to you (yet) that warrants this kind of experience.
3. DO give these to your new neighbors if you can pretend they came from someone else in the neighborhood who you really don't like. Example: attractive person moves in next door, and you leave Butt Burner Laxative Brownies on their doorstep, leaving a note that says it's really from the person that would be your competition in getting to know your new attractive neighbor. Just a suggestion...
4. DON'T go overboard with the hot sauce. They'll still be able to notice that it's too hot or something. Be more sneaky so your victim eats more and, therefore, suffers more when the laxatives catch up with them.
5. DO laugh hysterically when you realize they ate the whole pan.
6. DON'T deliver these to an enemy when there's a possibility that a friend would get them first. No need to stir up bad feelings that didn't exist before.
7. DO be careful about who you give this to. Technically, this could be totally illegal because you're slipping them a chemical. They probably won't charge you with anything, but you never know. Hence, be careful with this.
8. DON'T accidentally eat one. If you made the brownies right, you'll regret eating one later.
9. DO be careful about how much laxative you put in. Basically, be smart about it. Don't kill anyone by overdosing them on laxatives.
10. DON'T blame this blog if something goes wrong.

Laxative options include chocolate ex-lax, chopped-up prunes, and over-the-counter stuff. Don't do prescription though. Really.

Once again, good luck in your endeavors for revenge!

~Jilliard

About This Blog

Hello, people with enemies.

In other words, hello everyone.

We all have someone we'd REALLY like to upset or get back at for something (or in some cases, for someone) they did that has upset us considerably.

If you want to act on those urges to get back at someone, this blog right here is your sanctuary.

Welcome.

My goal in this blog is to provide you with ways to get back at your enemies in creative ways that, if you ever decide you like those people again, you can laugh about later. Or, if you will hate those people forever, you can just laugh at them and how you made them look like idiots.

Now, not everyone has the same amount of malice in them. That's where the rating system comes in. At the top of each post, I'll put a rating. Something like, "THIS COMEBACK IS RATED []". Here are the meanings of those ratings:

N: Not Serious. This is for people who are not serious about getting back at people, and are just trying to pull a fun prank for April Fool's Day or some such thing.

I: Irritating. These are more of the irksome, I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that-to-me-type pranks. They (hopefully) won't cause harm and probably won't infuriate your enemies, but they'll still be annoyed.

P: Your Enemies will be so Pissed. The posts rated P will piss off your enemies, but it won't do more damage than that. They'll be mad, but they (probably) couldn't successfully sue you for anything you did with these.

X: Exceptionally Nasty. These are the worst things you'll probably ever find on this blog, since you won't find a rated M (for Murder) on here...my apologies to anyone who wanted creative ways to spill blood. I have some creative ways, but I won't take credit for someone murdering someone, so I'm sorry. Stephen King, on the other hand, has provided ample examples of what you could do to kill someone. But anyway.

I hope the ratings will help you plan your revenge to the level of severity you desire. I wish you the best of luck in your vengeful endeavors.

Sincerely,

Jilliard