Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dear Nerd From Hell...

This post has earned a P rating by the destructors of this blog.

Why, hello there frustrated persons of the world.

Do you know someone who is incredibly nerdy and overwhelmingly obnoxious about it? Someone who will save their comic books before you in the case of a fire or other disaster?

Yeah. Me too.

Now, don't get me wrong; I like nerds. Overall, I'm a nerd, too. But in a life-or-death situation, I'll save most human beings before a mint action figure.

Okay, probably all human beings. Probably.

Ahem.

The point is, those excessively nerdy people need to be taught a lesson sometimes, right?

Right. :)

So, this idea is from the first season of "Big Bang Theory":

Penny: Okay, here's the deal: you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so help me God I will go into your bedroom and un-bag all your most valuable, mint condition comic books and on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
Sheldon: You can't do that. If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon: Of course I---oh.

Oh, Big Bang Theory. :) :) :)

Anyway.


I think you get the basic idea. Destroy or somehow harm the nerd's valuable, nerdy items. It will be great....for you. Keep in mind that a lot of these things probably *are* very valuable, so be sure you're ready to deal with possible repercussions when you draw on mint comic books, destroy action figures, break nerdy DVDs/BluRays, decimate classic movie props, vandalize old movie posters, cancel their subscriptions to certain "smart" magazines, draw mustaches on their superhero shirts, or do anything else you might cleverly come up with.

Also, please keep in mind that most nerds are smart. They could potentially get you back in a way that will suck A LOT for you.

Don't let the possibility of retribution force you to leave the hellish nerd prankless. Just think of it this way: if their comic books (or whatever) are no longer valuable, they'll save you instead of their toys. Assuming they're not still angry at you, of course.

Have fun!

-Jilliard

The image used in this post is from shupes.net

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Mustached Miscreants

This post has earned an N rating by the Destructors of this blog.

As I'm sure you've well noticed, Jilliard has been the only actively posting Destructor. "Why is this?" you may ask. While I cannot make an acceptable excuse for Wendykins and Emybemy, I can attempt to make one for myself. But I'll get to that later.

Now. The N-rated prank. First, I think I shall disclose that this particular trick has indeed been played on a nearby apartment and has indeed been proven as not serious. It is definitely something that you can laugh over - the pranker and the prankee(s) - at a later date. If you are a male and don't mind keeping the evidence, this may take a little longer. And I can assure you that your facial hair won't look nearly as spectacular as mine did.

Items you will need:
black or brown eyeliner (this can be borrowed from older sisters, cousins, mothers or can be purchased in the cosmetic section of your local Walmart)
a camera
any wanted/needed props
a way in


What your way in might be varies. My particular "way in" was the fact that the door was left open by the inhabitants. Any wanted/needed props is just that - if you are interested in making somewhat of a mess (emptied contents of a shredder) or in decorating for a party (banners, balloons, cake, candles [be careful with those], lights, music, etc.) then you will need to provide it yourself. But I do not think this would be counted as a prank if you actually did something nice to the prankee(s).

So. What to do? Simple. Disguise yourself! (What do you think the eyeliner is for?) Gather your props, if using. Make sure someone has a camera - it works much better than a video recorder because that can be traced by voice - for documentation. And then ... get in.

While inside, you may want to take pictures of yourself raiding their refrigerator, sitting on their sofa, watching their movies, reading their books, Google-ing on their laptops, and so forth. If you brought props use them! Decorate their floors and beds and dresser drawers with the contents of the shredder. Paint pictures and tape them to the walls. Hide a selection of utensils and/or cooking items in the bathroom, living room, bedroom closets, refrigerator and freezer. Get creative. (Remember, this is only an N.)

As always, have fun with it. That means smiling. (:

Good luck to you miscreants!

Tyler Wil

P.S. I nearly forgot to post my attempted excuse. It is a rather extravagant story, but I will sum it up shortly. I was away for a time, practicing pranks of all levels, most of which were failures. This one however was an utter success. For proof, click here.

Well, I didn't *know* you'd be arrested...

This post has earned an X rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Greetings, fellow miscreants.

Everyone knows someone who thinks they're better than everyone else. I could go on and on about how these people drive everyone absolutely insane, but I'll just sum up:

THESE. PEOPLE. SUCK.

Since these morons are obsessed with upholding their image so they can retain the illusion that they are better than everyone else, why not thoroughly decimate their reputation? Make their "holier than thou" delusions crash and burn.

Burn is the key word, there.


Behold, the marijuana leaf. * Yes, my friends. Having this will get you arrested in a hurry. But the point isn't to get YOU arrested, is it? No. It's to get a certain stuck-up person you hate in a lot of trouble (like, I dunno...having police show up and haul them to jail?) and destroying their egotistical, idiotic view of themselves.

If this despised person has a garden, maybe you should just slip some "happy plants" in there one day, and then call the police and give an anonymous tip, complaining about an interesting smell coming from such and such a house...

Or you could just be all sneaky, and strategically place things around their home. You could just drop by to sing the praises of this "awesome" person, and while they're being all flattered, put things all around that will destroy them! Muahaha. Call the police from a pay phone and give an anonymous tip, and there you have it.

Seriously. Few things can destroy a person's reputation more than being arrested and publicly humiliated. It'd be awesome.

Now, I do have to say that this could backfire and get you in some really BIG trouble. So make sure you really hate this person before you do this to them.

Now go my prankster prodigies. Good luck, and don't get arrested!!!

-Jilliard

*HUGE DISCLAIMER: I do not in ANY way endorse growing, smoking, distributing, or really having anything at all to do with this (or any) illegal substance. I'm simply presenting an idea about something awful to do to someone you despise. That is all.

The photo from this post is from howthingswork.com

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Black Market for Valentine's Day


This post has earned a P rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Hello, fellow pranksters.

If you're like me, you don't particularly appreciate Valentine's Day. Looking at this "holiday" in a realistic light, it is a way to do one of four things:
  1. Create and crush unrealistic hopes and expectations
  2. Cause crippling guilt in a romantic relationship when #1 occurs
  3. Make a never-ending volcano of vomit erupt from all the practical people
  4. Annually mock, scorn, horrify, and otherwise brutally maim all the single people
If you don't agree with that line of reasoning, I understand. Let me add a fifth possibility so you can feel comfortable agreeing with *something*:

5. Make mostly-reasonable people lie to themselves

For the most part, I think we can all agree that Valentine's Day isn't a very awesome holiday for, well, anyone. So how can we make it more enjoyable for the honest bystanders who are afraid to even get out of bed on this mortifying day of "love?"

Answer: create a black market for the entertainment of the people who have their heads on straight.

What is a Valentine's Day Black Market, you ask? It can be anything you want it to be. I have a few suggestions.

One of the *worst* Valentine's Day gifts anyone can send is something that will sing or do some other embarrassing thing in a very public place, like work or school. Why not hire a band, or a local musical group, or maybe an improv troupe, to go to that special, once-loved-but-now-hated someone who deserves to be (a) broken-up with, and (b) publicly humiliated? That's right...break up with them through song. Publicly.

Or, if you have two people you hate who happen to be a couple...send a break-up band to one of them, and have them say it's from the other one. That'll create some problems that you'll love watching. In fact, a lot of people would probably enjoy watching that. I recommend recording their heartbreak and putting it on YouTube. It would cause more humiliation.

This sort of thing can be done on a lesser scale, of course. The "public" doesn't have to be involved (though to achieve the P rating listed above, I really recommend having an audience). If your best friend has spilled all the secrets of a relationship to you, and you're tired of being caught in the middle of all the problems...send a letter to your friend's romantic partner, detailing all of the trouble that you've had to listen to for so long. Sign it with a, "Remember, despite all evidence to the contrary, it's NOT you, it's me. ~ Your Ex" and put it in the mail. You could even hand-deliver it and just lie: "[she] wanted me to give you this. I hope it's something cool for Valentine's Day!" and then hide while [he] reads it. Have the camera ready for when [he] starts to cry.

There's so much potential for a black market on this sick, gooey holiday. You can try personalized fortune cookies that say, "your heart is about to be broken for Valentine's Day"...you can "propose" to your girl (who you just want to be done with) in a public place, but when you open the box, have the ring not there, claim it's a sign and then just walk away...you could put fliers all over an enemy's office, where all of their coworkers could see, and they could say, "[Name], will you break up with me? I can't take it anymore" and sign it with the name of their significant other...

The possibilities are endless. I must provide a disclaimer, though. As much as all the VD haters would LOVE these things, the people you are pranking might slap you in the face if they find out you did this. Just thought you should know that you might have a hand print permanently indented into your face.

Best of luck as you entertain the world and destroy your enemies!

~Jilliard

The graphic used in this post is from free-graphics.com