The Black Market for Valentine's Day

This post has earned a P rating by the Destructors of this blog.

Hello, fellow pranksters.

If you're like me, you don't particularly appreciate Valentine's Day. Looking at this "holiday" in a realistic light, it is a way to do one of four things:

1. Create and crush unrealistic hopes and expectations
2. Cause crippling guilt in a romantic relationship when #1 occurs
3. Make a never-ending volcano of vomit erupt from all the practical people
4. Annually mock, scorn, horrify, and otherwise brutally maim all the single people

If you don't agree with that line of reasoning, I understand. Let me add a fifth possibility so you can feel comfortable agreeing with *something*:

5. Make mostly-reasonable people lie to themselves

For the most part, I think we can all agree that Valentine's Day isn't a very awesome holiday for, well, anyone. So how can we make it more enjoyable for the honest bystanders who are afraid to even get out of bed on this mortifying day of "love?"

Answer: create a black market for the entertainment of the people who have their heads on straight.

What is a Valentine's Day Black Market, you ask? It can be anything you want it to be. I have a few suggestions.

One of the *worst* Valentine's Day gifts anyone can send is something that will sing or do some other embarrassing thing in a very public place, like work or school. Why not hire a band, or a local musical group, or maybe an improv troupe, to go to that special, once-loved-but-now-hated someone who deserves to be (a) broken-up with, and (b) publicly humiliated? That's right...break up with them through song. Publicly.

Or, if you have two people you hate who happen to be a couple...send a break-up band to one of them, and have them say it's from the other one. That'll create some problems that you'll love watching. In fact, a lot of people would probably enjoy watching that. I recommend recording their heartbreak and putting it on YouTube. It would cause more humiliation.

This sort of thing can be done on a lesser scale, of course. The "public" doesn't have to be involved (though to achieve the P rating listed above, I really recommend having an audience). If your best friend has spilled all the secrets of a relationship to you, and you're tired of being caught in the middle of all the problems...send a letter to your friend's romantic partner, detailing all of the trouble that you've had to listen to for so long. Sign it with a, "Remember, despite all evidence to the contrary, it's NOT you, it's me. ~ Your Ex" and put it in the mail. You could even hand-deliver it and just lie: "[she] wanted me to give you this. I hope it's something cool for Valentine's Day!" and then hide while [he] reads it. Have the camera ready for when [he] starts to cry.

There's so much potential for a black market on this sick, gooey holiday. You can try personalized fortune cookies that say, "your heart is about to be broken for Valentine's Day"...you can "propose" to your girl (who you just want to be done with) in a public place, but when you open the box, have the ring not there, claim it's a sign and then just walk away...you could put fliers all over an enemy's office, where all of their coworkers could see, and they could say, "[Name], will you break up with me? I can't take it anymore" and sign it with the name of their significant other...

The possibilities are endless. I must provide a disclaimer, though. As much as all the VD haters would LOVE these things, the people you are pranking might slap you in the face if they find out you did this. Just thought you should know that you might have a hand print permanently indented into your face.

Best of luck as you entertain the world and destroy your enemies!

~Jilliard

The graphic used in this post is from free-graphics.com